Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
