I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
