I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
