i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
