genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
