Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
