Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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