yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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