Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
