Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
