Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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