And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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