His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
