the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
