its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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