I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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