apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
