I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
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You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
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Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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