New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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