i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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