Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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