I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
