Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
