Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
