Pregnant stripper...not hot.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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