Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
