Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
