I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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