How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
