she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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