If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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