Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
