Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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