There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
