if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
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