Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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