from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
