I swear she didn't look like that last week.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
