i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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