this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
