where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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