I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
