never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
