How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
