mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
