Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My breath smells like gin and sadness
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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