I'm really into asian looking animals
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
