I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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