Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
