Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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