he wants to bone in the snuggie
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
