I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
