my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
