apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
