So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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