So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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