Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
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All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
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Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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